"WHY?!"
by: Jennifer Angellatta
To quote the late Tupac Shakur, "I wonder why we take from our women, why we rape our women, do we hate our women?" Tupac asked these questions in his hit song "Keep Your Head Up." Why would a rapper bother to think on these things? When was the last time you thought about the issue of domestic violence? It is probably a bigger problem than you think. Every nine seconds in America, a woman is beaten by her partner. One out of every four women visiting emergency rooms has been, or is currently a victim of domestic violence. It is a not a problem for a certain group of women, but one affecting all races and social classes. As advanced as we like to think we are as a society, why do we have a domestic violence problem?
I could go through all the arguments from the breakdown of the traditional family, to unemployment and poverty, but I won't. I don't think those things have anything to do with violence. Respected family men have beat their wives for years. A woman's shelter in Boston stated in 1990 that, "one third of the men counseled for battering are professional men who are well respected in their jobs and their communities. These have included doctors, psychologists, lawyers, ministers, and business executives."
What? I have two questions to ask the community. The first one: why do women take this treatment?
Women that are abused are pitiful. Right? They must not mind the ridicule, the harassment, and the constant threat of beat downs. Right? If they stay with a man that abuses them, they deserve what they get. Right? Some of you fellas are probably nodding your heads in agreement. That's what I used to think too, until I hooked up with the original American psycho.
He had something to say about everything I did, said, and wore. None of my friends liked him and they slowly disappeared until I had no friends. With no friends, no ride, and no money, I became dependant on him. It took several months for me to realize that I was stuck in an abusive relationship. When I figured things out, I tried to get out. Easier said than done. Thinking they had the solution, some male friends offered to bust the bamma, but I couldn't handle things that way. I was scared to leave more than I hated being with him so I suffered in silence. I had created the problem myself, so I didn't want to involve my family. Only after much drama, did I decide that enough was enough. After a year and too many court dates and restraining orders, he got the message.
Admitting the situation was the first step and was a hard thing to do for a woman that others see as strong. My friends questioned how I could let a man take control of my life when I was the biggest knucklehead they knew.
Women in abusive relationships are not stupid and do not enjoy being abused. Why don't they leave? Women who leave their abusers are at a 75% greater risk of being killed by their abusers than those that stay. Calling the police can sometimes be a waste of time when studies show that 40% of male police officers are guilty of domestic violence. What kind of support will a cop give to an abuse victim when he's gonna go home and beat his wife?
It often takes a major event for a woman to leave her abuser. The birth of a child, a near fatal beating, or the injury of a child are a few things that can open up a woman's eyes to the reality that it only gets worse. For me, I had the support of a wonderful mother when I left, but some women don't have it that easy. There are 3,800 animal shelters in America, but only 1,500 shelters for battered women. Half of all homeless women and children on the streets in America, are there due to violence in their homes.
This issue that so many people think is none of their business becomes everyone's business. Do these batterers realize that what they do in the privacy of their homes affects the whole community?
That brings me to my second question: What causes a man to take his anger out on a woman? Or should I more correctly say- what causes a sorry brotha to act like a punk by hitting a woman he says he loves?
I think I may have heard all the excuses. Some of them were, "I had a bad day at work," "I lost my job," "why didn't you cook dinner?" "Who was that guy you were talking to?" Or the infamous, "why do you start it? You know how I am." These are nothing but excuses. Ladies, when that punk hits you because another man looked at you, it's not your fault. The only time a man needs to put his hands on a woman is in self defense. Making a man angry or hurting his ego is not an attack that calls for self defense. Men that abuse women have a problem. It has nothing to do with the woman. The man can get a new woman and guess what? He's still gonna abuse her when he can't get his way.
Sometimes this problem comes from nothing but being a spoiled brat. Some very well intending mothers never make their sons stand up on their own two. I know grown men whose mama's pay their car notes, cook them dinner and blame any problem their "baby" has on the woman that he's with. When a man that's been babied his whole life hooks up with an independent woman, he 's got to get his way no matter the cost. For many women, that cost is violence.
Sadly, too many times, men abuse their women because they too were abused. More than three million children a year view violence between their parents. Children who live with domestic violence display emotional and behavioral disturbances; men that witnessed domestic violence as children are three times more likely to batter their partners than men that had non violent parents.
Violence can also shift from the mother to children, which can cause someone to take notice to a situation that may have been going on for years.
We need to realize that domestic violence is a problem that affects us all, even if we're not in the situation ourselves. When the next door neighbors start fighting, and we turn up the TV and ignore it, we're allowing the cycle of violence to continue. When the community ignores the children in these homes, we're teaching them that no one cares. But, there are people that care. If you are in an abusive relationship, you can contact the D.C. Coalition Against Domestic Violence at 202-783-5332 or 202-333-STOP. Maybe one day, I'll get the answers to my questions. Maybe one day, I won't have to ask.
